Ten Little Chances to be Free (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tenlittlebullets) wrote2010-04-10 01:27 am
tenlittlebullets) wrote2010-04-10 01:27 am
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Smith has a weekend trip scheduled to the Côte d'Azur tomorrow. I let myself be signed up for it (as in, didn't make vigorous protestations to the contrary), but it's smack in the middle of my mom's week in Paris and I have so much stress this weekend and I have to plan my spring break and next year's housing and write a paper and OH GOD I AM GOING TO FLUNK ALL MY CLASSES. And tonight was the last straw, really, because Les Naufragés du Fol Espoir was tonight and they told us it was three hours long and it was FOUR HOURS PLUS INTERMISSION, and I got home at almost one in the morning still not having eaten dinner or packed, and I would've had to be up at 4:30 to get a taxi to the airport at 5:15 for a crack-of-dawn flight to Nice, and I just can't do it. Won't do it. Would do it for something that was worth it, but absolutely refuse to put myself through that for two days of (1) missing half my mom's trip to Paris, (2) not getting anything done when shit needs to get done this weekend, (3) forced social interaction and complete lack of downtime or alone time, (4) food allergy anxiety attacks at every meal, and (5) endless galleries of 20th century art. The only thing this trip had going for it was the beach, and I am not a beach person, and I probably would've got sunburned to all hell anyway.
I've emailed the program directors to tell them I didn't feel well enough to travel. They probably interpreted that as "has an infectious disease and should not be on an airplane," not "almost had a panic attack on the metro and should not have any social interaction with anyone outside her immediate family."
I don't know why the depression isn't going away. I'm doing stuff, I'm getting enough exercise, I'm actively trying to fight it off, and yet I still have all these mental blocks and I still feel like the world's shittiest human being several times a day because of some minor nagging incomplete task. And now we get to add anxiety because I just realized everything is happening and coming due and needing to be planned NOW, and I'm not going to get a rest until the end of June.
It's still in the preliminary stages. I'm nowhere near cracking. But I need to take steps to nip it in the bud NOW, not when I'm on the point of cracking. So I begged off the trip, and yeah it kind of sucks that I won't get to see Nice, but god it's a weight off my shoulders. And I'm still feeling shaky and PMS probably factors into this, but that's one more reason not to go--I don't want to have to deal with cramps and fatigue on a trip that's already stressful.
I've emailed the program directors to tell them I didn't feel well enough to travel. They probably interpreted that as "has an infectious disease and should not be on an airplane," not "almost had a panic attack on the metro and should not have any social interaction with anyone outside her immediate family."
I don't know why the depression isn't going away. I'm doing stuff, I'm getting enough exercise, I'm actively trying to fight it off, and yet I still have all these mental blocks and I still feel like the world's shittiest human being several times a day because of some minor nagging incomplete task. And now we get to add anxiety because I just realized everything is happening and coming due and needing to be planned NOW, and I'm not going to get a rest until the end of June.
It's still in the preliminary stages. I'm nowhere near cracking. But I need to take steps to nip it in the bud NOW, not when I'm on the point of cracking. So I begged off the trip, and yeah it kind of sucks that I won't get to see Nice, but god it's a weight off my shoulders. And I'm still feeling shaky and PMS probably factors into this, but that's one more reason not to go--I don't want to have to deal with cramps and fatigue on a trip that's already stressful.