Fic: Except for Cheap Tricks (1/1)

[tenlittlebullets]

Title: Except for Cheap Tricks
Author: 10littlebullets
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Doctor/Master (Academy era)
Summary: Crossing your own timeline is strictly forbidden, except to double-team your almost-evil not-yet-ex-boyfriend.
Notes: Someone on the reallygoodcuffs kinkmeme wanted Academy-era Doctor/Master smut. Somehow my brain spat out equal parts porn and crack. Beware fisticuffs, mad science, and nefarious application of the Blinovitch limitation effect.

Marriage on Gallifrey is an elaborate rite involving consent (signed, notarized, and in triplicate) from sixteen different relatives, a traditional fifteen-year engagement period while all of the relevant alliances and political machinations are worked out, DNA analyses, CIA background checks, psychic bonds, pan-regenerative prenuptial agreements, and a great deal of ritualized standing about in poncey formal robes. The ceremonies of the marriage bed would probably make the royal bedchamber of Versailles look private and informal by comparison, if anyone but Theta Sigma had enough interest in Earth history to know that Versailles wasn't an obscure Raxacoricofallopatorian variety of cheese.

Adolescence on Gallifrey, however, was not terribly different from the human equivalent except that it went on fifty years longer, so much as it pained them to admit it, the professors of the Academy were forced to turn a blind eye to all sorts of activities unbecoming of the dignity of their august institution. This included the misuse of temporal physics to play juvenile pranks. It also included the misuse of reproductive biology for juvenile entertainment. Only when Theta Sigma and his perennial rival were concerned, however, did it include both.

"Now back off!" Theta cried, clutching his prize aloft. "This is a valuable experiment, right? So you really don't want to make any sudden moves, lest I trip and accidentally chuck it into the temporal-dimensional displacement generator."

Koschei ground his teeth with rage. "Three months of planning I put into that thing. If I get it back with so much as one millimeter-wave refractor out of place, so help me..." He advanced on his fellow student with a glower fit to spark a supernova.

"Well then. You really don't want to be backing me into the displacement generator. And you really, really don't want to let me stand so close to it and run my gob off like I've been doing, because it could just be that while I had you distracted with your eyes on your experiment, behind my back I was flipping all sorts of switches and pulling off something... completely... insane."

With a flourish, Theta flicked the last switch that sent the machine humming into life, and set down his rival's experiment with exaggerated care on the table. Koschei made a lunge for it, but barely got six inches before he was restrained by--

--Theta Sigma. Restrained from behind by Theta Sigma. Who was standing right in front of him. Restrained from behind by a second Theta Sigma.

"Temporal-dimensional displacement generator," said the second Theta cheerfully in his ear. "Parallel timeline half a second ahead and six feet to the left of the original. I'm so glad they give us shiny toys to play with, aren't you?"

"Why you Rassilonfucking little scum-sucking runt, I'll show you dimensional displacement--" And they were off, grappling and punching and grabbing in a way that the original Theta had to admit was pretty suggestive. The two struggling on the lab floor seemed to get the same idea quickly enough, because their little bout of impromptu fisticuffs ended with Theta II squirming and kicking on the floor as Koschei sat on his face.

"Suck it, Theta. You should never have let this get physical--unless you secretly wanted to lose. Is that it? You want me to thwart your antics?"

Theta gaped up at him, flushed and panting for breath. "A bit of help from my better half, here?"

"Right, sorry!" The original Theta sprang into belated action and grabbed Koschei from behind, pinning his arms to his sides. "What was that about thwarting?" he hissed in Koschei's ear.

Koschei rolled his eyes. "Oh, if there's two of you that's hardly a fair fight," he grumbled, doing his best to radiate sullen dignity.

"More fun for you in the end, though," said Theta II, and proved his point by deciding to take Koschei's original instructions into account after all, and wrap his lips around Koschei's cock.

"Oh," said Koschei eloquently. His dignity didn't look quite as sullen anymore. Then-- "What do you think you're doing back there?!"

"Hmmm?" said the original Theta, the very picture of innocence. He wriggled his finger a little deeper. "Oh, I thought you liked it. Or at least the way you kept shouting 'oh fuck Theta don't stop or I will rewrite your fucking timeline to keep you in a time loop doing that forever fucking fuck' last time we did this gave me that impression. For some reason."

Koschei just moaned.

Original Theta added some more spit and another finger and started to thrust, and temporally-displaced Theta did something with his tongue that was illegal in seven galaxies, and there were two of them and they had almost succeeded in reducing Koschei to babbling incoherence when temporally-displaced Theta started fondling his balls and their fingers touched.

There was an explosion.

Fortunately for everyone's sensitive bits, the dimensional displacement spread out the impact a bit. At least, the explosion wasn't located any more in Koschei's arse than it was in any other point within a ten-foot radius of the generator.

When they both came to, they were lying several feet apart among the smashed ruins of the lab equipment. There was only one Theta Sigma, his eyebrows were singed, and as consciousness returned to him his face split what could only be described as a shit-eating grin.

"That was excellent," he said.

"You're not the one who had the Blinovitch limitation effect explode right up his... Theta."

"Hmmm?"

"Everything is smashed."

"Improves the décor, I think."

"My experiment! You fuck!"