Ten Little Chances to be Free (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tenlittlebullets) wrote2005-09-28 03:33 pm
tenlittlebullets) wrote2005-09-28 03:33 pm
(no subject)
*headdesk* Oy. I know they're understaffed and all that, but what part of "College. Student. Homework. Cannot work 30 hours a week." don't they understand? With the schedule they have me on, I'm completely tied up in class and work from 9 AM to 8 or 9 PM--the rest is my "free time," where I get to relax and enjoy myself by doing things like the gigantic fucking piles of homework that stack up when I only have four hours to do everything I'd normally spend a whole day doing. And then I get bitched at for not being cheerful and mentally present all the live-long day due to the fact that I haven't slept in three days. Wunderbar. And don't even get me started on weekends. What's the point of having gobs of money if you don't have any time to spend it?
And yeah. I've started doing more and more all-nighters, not just to get my homework done but to have some time alone with myself that doesn't involve my subconscious dragging up everything I'd rather not think about then playing it before my eyes, as tends to happen when I dream. It's far better for me to get no sleep at all than to get two or three hours of it, or at least better for my mood. A giddy, hyperfocused and braindead me is at least better than a me who wants to gouge out the eyes of everyone who crosses my path, and besides, no sleep and too much caffeine tend to produce things like the Monkey/Finch Darwin Essay or the Fandomsexual Post. The problem being that I tend to be able to focus only on one thing on nights like those, and it's usually not my schoolwork, and if it's something upsetting I will be an emotional wreck by morning from brooding on it uncontrollably the whole night. And I know it sounds petty, but I miss being able to have an afternoon free on a cool, breezy day and climb a tree somewhere and curl up in the branches and read. Doesn't happen at three in the morning. And God, the dorms suck for reading for pleasure--they're freezing and badly lit and while I'm griping about the dorms did I mention that I can't leave anything in the cabinets that's not in a box because we have a gigantic population of mice who will eat anything? And the girl who lives upstairs is always really loud at ungodly hours of the morning no matter what I say to her about it and she takes my stuff out of the shower and chucks it onto the floor and there's never any hot water and I think I'm going mad from a thousand little things that all add up and make me into a wreck. And I haven't showered in three days and I have no clean clothes left and I don't have time to do my laundry or detergent either and my eyebrow's getting infected and am I just neurotic because I should be able to deal with all this, I should. And I'm forgetting to eat. My meals tend to consist of two bagels before work and a pot of pasta around midnight and that's it. I just... ugh. I feel helpless and frantic and I feel so much worse about it because it's so trivial and I feel like I shouldn't be helpless or frantic or any of it, I should be able to deal with it. I skipped class this morning, you know that? I never skip class, and yet I got to bed last night at two AM and security called me at four to tell me the light in my car was on and I had to go turn it off or my battery would die, and my alarm went off at nine and I just rolled over and turned it off and went back to sleep. And I'd missed the lecture the other night because they kept me late at work, and now I've missed class and I'm dead. And all of this could've taken place yesterday or tonight or last Thursday because my sense of time is fucked. This is my first free afternoon in what feels like two weeks. What am I doing mooching around the computer lab whining in my LiveJournal when I could be making a dent in my gobs of homework? Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Someone, please, just shove some pills down my throat and make me normal or something. I can't quit my job. I don't want to quit my job. I just want there to be more hours in the day.
Fuck.
You know, my original intent in this entry was to tell an amusing fandom-related anecdote that happened in Arabic class today? Somehow it got lost in a flood of OMGWTF.
And yeah. I've started doing more and more all-nighters, not just to get my homework done but to have some time alone with myself that doesn't involve my subconscious dragging up everything I'd rather not think about then playing it before my eyes, as tends to happen when I dream. It's far better for me to get no sleep at all than to get two or three hours of it, or at least better for my mood. A giddy, hyperfocused and braindead me is at least better than a me who wants to gouge out the eyes of everyone who crosses my path, and besides, no sleep and too much caffeine tend to produce things like the Monkey/Finch Darwin Essay or the Fandomsexual Post. The problem being that I tend to be able to focus only on one thing on nights like those, and it's usually not my schoolwork, and if it's something upsetting I will be an emotional wreck by morning from brooding on it uncontrollably the whole night. And I know it sounds petty, but I miss being able to have an afternoon free on a cool, breezy day and climb a tree somewhere and curl up in the branches and read. Doesn't happen at three in the morning. And God, the dorms suck for reading for pleasure--they're freezing and badly lit and while I'm griping about the dorms did I mention that I can't leave anything in the cabinets that's not in a box because we have a gigantic population of mice who will eat anything? And the girl who lives upstairs is always really loud at ungodly hours of the morning no matter what I say to her about it and she takes my stuff out of the shower and chucks it onto the floor and there's never any hot water and I think I'm going mad from a thousand little things that all add up and make me into a wreck. And I haven't showered in three days and I have no clean clothes left and I don't have time to do my laundry or detergent either and my eyebrow's getting infected and am I just neurotic because I should be able to deal with all this, I should. And I'm forgetting to eat. My meals tend to consist of two bagels before work and a pot of pasta around midnight and that's it. I just... ugh. I feel helpless and frantic and I feel so much worse about it because it's so trivial and I feel like I shouldn't be helpless or frantic or any of it, I should be able to deal with it. I skipped class this morning, you know that? I never skip class, and yet I got to bed last night at two AM and security called me at four to tell me the light in my car was on and I had to go turn it off or my battery would die, and my alarm went off at nine and I just rolled over and turned it off and went back to sleep. And I'd missed the lecture the other night because they kept me late at work, and now I've missed class and I'm dead. And all of this could've taken place yesterday or tonight or last Thursday because my sense of time is fucked. This is my first free afternoon in what feels like two weeks. What am I doing mooching around the computer lab whining in my LiveJournal when I could be making a dent in my gobs of homework? Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Someone, please, just shove some pills down my throat and make me normal or something. I can't quit my job. I don't want to quit my job. I just want there to be more hours in the day.
Fuck.
You know, my original intent in this entry was to tell an amusing fandom-related anecdote that happened in Arabic class today? Somehow it got lost in a flood of OMGWTF.