Ten Little Chances to be Free (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tenlittlebullets) wrote2004-10-05 03:00 pm
tenlittlebullets) wrote2004-10-05 03:00 pm
(no subject)
Hmmm... I just realized something.
I was a really strange kid. I spent most of my time wandering around in my own little fantasy world, and I was prone to really cracked-out fantasies (which, oddly enough, up to around third grade were quite sadomasochistic, but I think that had to do with something else I won't get into now). I had sort of a running commentary going in my head, as one would write a novel: "'So what's the answer to question three?' the teacher asked me as I stared blankly at my worksheet." I also 'saw' thoughts and especially whatever I was saying or hearing as text, a sort of closed-captioning in my mind's eye, and paid a lot of attention to what was going on in my thought processes without trying to determine how or why they worked. (I noticed at quite a young age that every thought started as more of a soft, nebulous signal in the back of my brain, then became clearer as I actually 'thought' it, and text if I said it or thought about saying it.) I also, and this is what I'm really writing about, had horrible insomnia. I usually did manage to get to sleep eventually, but I'd always lie in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling either in a fantasy world or examining my own head, unable to shut my brain off and sleep. And of course I had to be dragged out of bed in the morning because I'd never have gotten enough sleep.
My insomnia went away with the onset of adolescence--along with my fantasy worlds, general asocialness (to some extent), running commentary and closed captioning, and wandering around dreaming while I was awake. (Oh, yeah, I barely ever dreamed as a kid, except the occasional nightmare.) I always assumed it was just part of growing up, but now, as I deprive myself of sleep on a regular basis, it's starting to come back. I'm starting to wander around, lost in my environment, writing a story for myself as I go along. Random things have started to seem special again. It's so incredibly hard to describe, but it's like I've been moving through the world a robot for the past few years and suddenly I'm human again--except that I've started to act very differently and strangely, not at all like the other humans around me. I've started to act like I did in elementary school--head in the clouds, I guess you would say.
So no, I don't consider this a bad thing--and in fact, I think I'll be deliberately getting less sleep from now on to see if I can get it to magnify itself. It's one of the things I missed most about being a kid, and damned if I'm going to lose the chance to recapture it. The only truly negative effects are that I've been getting a little bit lazy and flakey lately. And having weird dreams. But dammit, I've started to sing again--not just in lessons, but all the damn time. The magic is back.
So, general conclusion? FUCK SLEEP.
(On a side note, I need a haircut. My hair is coming down over my ears and sticking up in strange places and generally annoying the hell out of me, and it looks awful too. Grah.)
I was a really strange kid. I spent most of my time wandering around in my own little fantasy world, and I was prone to really cracked-out fantasies (which, oddly enough, up to around third grade were quite sadomasochistic, but I think that had to do with something else I won't get into now). I had sort of a running commentary going in my head, as one would write a novel: "'So what's the answer to question three?' the teacher asked me as I stared blankly at my worksheet." I also 'saw' thoughts and especially whatever I was saying or hearing as text, a sort of closed-captioning in my mind's eye, and paid a lot of attention to what was going on in my thought processes without trying to determine how or why they worked. (I noticed at quite a young age that every thought started as more of a soft, nebulous signal in the back of my brain, then became clearer as I actually 'thought' it, and text if I said it or thought about saying it.) I also, and this is what I'm really writing about, had horrible insomnia. I usually did manage to get to sleep eventually, but I'd always lie in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling either in a fantasy world or examining my own head, unable to shut my brain off and sleep. And of course I had to be dragged out of bed in the morning because I'd never have gotten enough sleep.
My insomnia went away with the onset of adolescence--along with my fantasy worlds, general asocialness (to some extent), running commentary and closed captioning, and wandering around dreaming while I was awake. (Oh, yeah, I barely ever dreamed as a kid, except the occasional nightmare.) I always assumed it was just part of growing up, but now, as I deprive myself of sleep on a regular basis, it's starting to come back. I'm starting to wander around, lost in my environment, writing a story for myself as I go along. Random things have started to seem special again. It's so incredibly hard to describe, but it's like I've been moving through the world a robot for the past few years and suddenly I'm human again--except that I've started to act very differently and strangely, not at all like the other humans around me. I've started to act like I did in elementary school--head in the clouds, I guess you would say.
So no, I don't consider this a bad thing--and in fact, I think I'll be deliberately getting less sleep from now on to see if I can get it to magnify itself. It's one of the things I missed most about being a kid, and damned if I'm going to lose the chance to recapture it. The only truly negative effects are that I've been getting a little bit lazy and flakey lately. And having weird dreams. But dammit, I've started to sing again--not just in lessons, but all the damn time. The magic is back.
So, general conclusion? FUCK SLEEP.
(On a side note, I need a haircut. My hair is coming down over my ears and sticking up in strange places and generally annoying the hell out of me, and it looks awful too. Grah.)
no subject
no subject
I didn't know seeing "closed captions", as you called them, was abnormal. I thought it was natural to see what one is thinking or saying. ::shakes head:: You learn something new everyday, I guess.