Ten Little Chances to be Free (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tenlittlebullets) wrote2005-10-28 01:26 pm
tenlittlebullets) wrote2005-10-28 01:26 pm
(no subject)
You know, I'm not one of those people who get really stressed and freaked out and uptight and start screaming at people. No. I just get this impression that there is too much work, I don't even know how much there is, if I tried to quantify it I'd end up forgetting things, and I just feel limp and depressed and incapable of doing anything with this giant fucking WEIGHT that is mostly created by my own mind pressing down on me.
See, my workload is, I think, fairly light and easy to list off. I need to attend the chorus concert tonight. I need to write a dialogue for Arabic. I need to do the reading on Freud and catch up on my response journals for seminar. I need to talk to Gigi and work out a deadline for my research paper once I get my computer back. I need to plan a Halloween party. I need to finish my costume. I need to get the car fixed, eventually. I need to write down when all my long-term projects are due so I know when to start thinking about them. I need to write down all my breaks and lectures and concerts so I can give them to my supervisor and tell her, "I can't work on these dates." Beyond that, I want to write and I definitely want to carve out a space between all these needs so I'll have time to write and read and generally enjoy myself.
The problem is that it all congeals into this massive sledgehammer of "You have stuff you need to be doing, and you are not doing it, and you are undoubtedly forgetting a lot of things that you also need to be doing." And above all it makes me feel helpless. And then it turns into a massive sledgehammer of "You're too dumb to do your sem homework and your costume sucks and you're really lazy and irresponsible and you'll never be able to pull a Halloween party together in time and no one can ever depend on you for anything and even the stuff you write for pleasure is really really terrible."
There's also the slight problem of a giant fothermucking guilt complex, where if I skip a class or take time off work with less than a week's notice or miss a lecture, I will beat myself up about it constantly for days. I don't know why, but it all sort of came to a head today because two things collided. One was that someone was unable to work today, when I'd originally been scheduled for a day off, and I volunteered to step in. The other was that I completely spaced out the fact that the chorus concert is right in the middle of my fucking shift. Now, our chorus has less than ten people and if I do not show up, the alto section is screwed. So I wriggle and squirm and today I finally said, "Fuck it," and called in sick to work. And over the course of the phone call I realized something, which is that my supervisor is a bitch.
See, I don't usually say that about people in real life. If someone can at least succeed in not being obnoxious to me, I more-or-less refrain from making any judgments of their character. It's a flaw of mine and I freely admit it; I tend to formulate my opinions of people based on their demeanor, not on the actual substance of what they say and do to me, and so I tend not to have much of a backbone in real life.
But this woman... if I hadn't been lying about being sick, I would be so motherfucking pissed off at her right now. And as it is, I have resolved never to get sick when I'm supposed to be working, because I never want to deal with this shit again. I called the store and told her I was sick, I'd been throwing up all last night, and I was really sorry to spring this on her at the last minute but I just couldn't come to work today. And what did she say? "Are you sure you can't come in? We have no one else. You volunteered to take this shift, so I really wish you could come. Call me back at two and tell me if you've changed your mind."
The fuck, lady? Let's pretend for a minute that I ACTUALLY have a stomach virus and have been vomiting uncontrollably all night. Do you really want me working the register? Forget the annoyance and embarrassment of having a cashier barf all over some little old lady's groceries, that's a fucking health hazard. Fuck you and if I call you back at two and you tell me to come in even if I'm throwing up, please forgive me if I buy groceries at the store down the road from now on. *shudder* EW EW EW.
ETA: *breathes a ginormous sigh of relief* Called back and Bitchy Supervisor had gone home. Instead I talked to the head cashier, who is a wonderful and matter-of-fact person; all I had to say was "I'm really sorry, but I'm sick and I can't come in," and she said, "Okay. You're closing cashier tomorrow so call as early as you can to tell us whether you can work tomorrow." Now I feel slightly more guilty about lying, but a lot less guilt-tripped and harassed.
And while I'm calling people on their bullshit, there's a girl in one of my classes who was unfortunate to get caught in the crossfire of my fandom brainspewing one day. And she's really polite and sweet and all, but when she found out I don't really have real-life friends she treated it as a problem and tried to make me her "project" and was all "I can be your friend!" Just... no. Take your pity and your catty comments about the other members of the class somewhere else. Were we supposed to commiserate and bond over how bitchy C-------- was being? She's stressed to all hell and has the right to be a little snappish. What's your excuse? And I know I'm a strange individual, but I don't feel broken, so please don't try to fix me.
So yeah. My weekend? Will be hell, but mostly because I'm making it hell.
See, my workload is, I think, fairly light and easy to list off. I need to attend the chorus concert tonight. I need to write a dialogue for Arabic. I need to do the reading on Freud and catch up on my response journals for seminar. I need to talk to Gigi and work out a deadline for my research paper once I get my computer back. I need to plan a Halloween party. I need to finish my costume. I need to get the car fixed, eventually. I need to write down when all my long-term projects are due so I know when to start thinking about them. I need to write down all my breaks and lectures and concerts so I can give them to my supervisor and tell her, "I can't work on these dates." Beyond that, I want to write and I definitely want to carve out a space between all these needs so I'll have time to write and read and generally enjoy myself.
The problem is that it all congeals into this massive sledgehammer of "You have stuff you need to be doing, and you are not doing it, and you are undoubtedly forgetting a lot of things that you also need to be doing." And above all it makes me feel helpless. And then it turns into a massive sledgehammer of "You're too dumb to do your sem homework and your costume sucks and you're really lazy and irresponsible and you'll never be able to pull a Halloween party together in time and no one can ever depend on you for anything and even the stuff you write for pleasure is really really terrible."
There's also the slight problem of a giant fothermucking guilt complex, where if I skip a class or take time off work with less than a week's notice or miss a lecture, I will beat myself up about it constantly for days. I don't know why, but it all sort of came to a head today because two things collided. One was that someone was unable to work today, when I'd originally been scheduled for a day off, and I volunteered to step in. The other was that I completely spaced out the fact that the chorus concert is right in the middle of my fucking shift. Now, our chorus has less than ten people and if I do not show up, the alto section is screwed. So I wriggle and squirm and today I finally said, "Fuck it," and called in sick to work. And over the course of the phone call I realized something, which is that my supervisor is a bitch.
See, I don't usually say that about people in real life. If someone can at least succeed in not being obnoxious to me, I more-or-less refrain from making any judgments of their character. It's a flaw of mine and I freely admit it; I tend to formulate my opinions of people based on their demeanor, not on the actual substance of what they say and do to me, and so I tend not to have much of a backbone in real life.
But this woman... if I hadn't been lying about being sick, I would be so motherfucking pissed off at her right now. And as it is, I have resolved never to get sick when I'm supposed to be working, because I never want to deal with this shit again. I called the store and told her I was sick, I'd been throwing up all last night, and I was really sorry to spring this on her at the last minute but I just couldn't come to work today. And what did she say? "Are you sure you can't come in? We have no one else. You volunteered to take this shift, so I really wish you could come. Call me back at two and tell me if you've changed your mind."
The fuck, lady? Let's pretend for a minute that I ACTUALLY have a stomach virus and have been vomiting uncontrollably all night. Do you really want me working the register? Forget the annoyance and embarrassment of having a cashier barf all over some little old lady's groceries, that's a fucking health hazard. Fuck you and if I call you back at two and you tell me to come in even if I'm throwing up, please forgive me if I buy groceries at the store down the road from now on. *shudder* EW EW EW.
ETA: *breathes a ginormous sigh of relief* Called back and Bitchy Supervisor had gone home. Instead I talked to the head cashier, who is a wonderful and matter-of-fact person; all I had to say was "I'm really sorry, but I'm sick and I can't come in," and she said, "Okay. You're closing cashier tomorrow so call as early as you can to tell us whether you can work tomorrow." Now I feel slightly more guilty about lying, but a lot less guilt-tripped and harassed.
And while I'm calling people on their bullshit, there's a girl in one of my classes who was unfortunate to get caught in the crossfire of my fandom brainspewing one day. And she's really polite and sweet and all, but when she found out I don't really have real-life friends she treated it as a problem and tried to make me her "project" and was all "I can be your friend!" Just... no. Take your pity and your catty comments about the other members of the class somewhere else. Were we supposed to commiserate and bond over how bitchy C-------- was being? She's stressed to all hell and has the right to be a little snappish. What's your excuse? And I know I'm a strange individual, but I don't feel broken, so please don't try to fix me.
So yeah. My weekend? Will be hell, but mostly because I'm making it hell.
no subject
I hear ya about the guilt thing, too. Sometimes I wish my conscience was something that could be physically removed. Ugh.
Hang in there. :)
no subject
I get overwhelmed pretty easily myself unless I'm in a high-energy mood. Then I go like a crazy person. When you have all that crap to line up, your brain crashes and you end up reading a good escapist book with the back of your brain screams "HURRY UP! You're wasting time!"
After school's over, this will continue, but you'll have less stuff to worry about in that frantic, immediate way. In school, skip work if needed. You'll end up in better places if you have a good degree to open doors for you.
There are a lot of people like your supervisor in minimum-wage employment. Trust me on this.