tenlittlebullets | (no subject)

disclaimer: should be fairly obvious that it's a parody.

HOW TO NAME YOUR INDUSTRIAL BAND

So your music is so hardkore it would make Cevin Key envious. But the sad truth is, no one's gonna listen to you unless your band has a cool name, right? So here are some suggestions from yours truly for the most badass industrial band name you could dream of. Mix and match, try to fit in as many as possible, and if you've never heard anything by any of the examples--you do not belong here.

1. Acronyms. Just pick one that sounds hardass as shit, and you can laugh your ass off as people try to figure out what the hell your band's name stands for.

2. Numbers. Pick one, it can be your grandma's birthday if you want to, no one has to know. Gives you that uberkool 'I have just stepped off an assembly line and am referred to by my number' edge.

3. Speaking of assembly lines, that's another image you want to invoke.

4. The word 'front.' Don't ask me the fuck why, but if it's good enough for Front 242 and Frontline Assembly, it should be good enough for you.

5. The word 'coil.' It brings up several good mental images--loops of live wire, snakes coiling to strike, all that good shit.

6. German. You don't have to speak it, just run a random phrase through Babelfish [Babelfisch?] and use it. Although, be sure to have a few songs in German along the way or you will be a POSER.

7. Anything at all pertaining to destruction, horrible scientific experiments gone wrong, machines, mass slaughter, war, despair, etc, etc, etc

8. Words that invoke associations with nationalism, demagogues, domination by megacorporations, and What This World Is Going To Become If We Do Not Subvert Authority.

9. When all else fails, just change all your C's to K's and sprinkle in a few umlauts. No one will notice.

Try to include more than one number in your band name--for example, Assemblage 23, Frontline Assembly, Front 242, Einstürzende Neubauten, Uranium 235, KMFDM [Kein Mitleid für die Mehrheit for ignorant fuckheads], KOMPRESSOR, VNV Nation, Icon of Coil, 16 Volt--insert your own band here.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Bands with such silly, weird, and nonsensical names as Leaetherstrip, Throbbing Gristle, Wumpscut, and Skinny Puppy are, of course, wimpy and non-industrial; anyone who listens to them is a poser, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

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Yeah, yeah, I know, it's not funny. I tried.