tenlittlebullets | (no subject)

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I wish there were a name for what's odd about me. I mean, everyone's odd in some way, yeah, but not everyone has no friends and throws their entire life into a fandom in lieu of social interaction. Not everyone stays in the house all day and only leaves to buy food or go walk by the river alone. Not everyone is such a horribly picky eater that there are only about five things they ever order in restaurants. Not everyone has "no life" and is happy that way.

That's the thing--I want a name for it, but I'd get annoyed if I suddenly discovered a disorder that described me perfectly. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just not quite normal. Maybe I'm the bastard love-child of Asperger's syndrome and schizoid personality disorder, but I don't see who that harms and I don't see what needs fixing.

There are two reasons, I think. One is just that I have a pathological need to label and categorize. The other is that it would make things easier. "I'm not mad at you, I just don't want to spend time with you because I'm ______." "No, I really don't have friends. _______s tend not to. That doesn't mean I need any." "I'm sorry I'm not good at this intimacy thing, but maybe you should have considered that before you dated a _____." "Yes, I do need that much time alone. No, I can't socialize right now. I'm not allergic to that food, but I still can't eat it. No, I can't make it through a conversation without mentioning Les Mis. Get me out of this club before the noise drives me batshit and I melt down and spend the rest of the night curled up in the corner practically catatonic." How convenient would it be to have one word to describe all my eccentricities?

I have almost no social impulse. Yes, I have a bunch of online friends, but it's incidental. I can't talk about people for the sake of talking about people. I can't talk to people for the sake of talking to people. I would be happier with characters in books, and was through my whole childhood. Books were to me then what the internet is now; the only difference is now I'm talking to real people, even if it's through a computer screen.

I was looking through this journal and realized it might as well be a fandom-only journal for all I talk about my life. I mean, even the dorkiest of my dorky 'net friends knows people IRL, has something to post besides "so, I was researching insurrection in 1830s Paris and...", has a life that doesn't revolve around a single interest. I mean, I have nothing else to post, because there's practically nothing else I do. It's abnormal, isn't it? Left to my own devices, all I ever do is spin circles around my obsessions.

In a way I'm frustrated because I haven't found anyone else as enthusiastic as I am. I post something and... a couple appreciative comments, maybe, which deserves muchos hugs, but where's the discussion? Where's the conversation? The analysis? The meta? Am I the only one who wants these things? Am I the only one who cackles with glee over the deleted first-draft stuff from Allem's annotated LM, or thinks the map of Paris that shows the rue de la Chanvrerie is shinier than Javert's coat buttons, or spends three hours looking up a little historical detail for a fictitious sewer chase that may or may not ever get written? I post these things that make me practically jump for joy, and in response I get silence, and I interpret the silence as a collective groan of "you loser" from my f-list. Correct? Incorrect? I put so much energy into fandom, and even though it's for my own benefit as much as the citizenry at large, I get a bit disappointed when I feel like I'm shouting into an empty room and the only thing that ever comes back to me is my own echo. Lord knows I'm not expecting other people to go out to the Library of Congress to dig up a copy of Les Révolutions du XIXe siècle, but it would be nice to hear at least "oh man, that digression was mentioned in a footnote in my Brick, I wondered if anyone had it," or "wheee, this map will help me make up addresses for my Frenchboys!" or "I wondered what those Amis got up to when they weren't speechifying on street corners." Y'know... discussion? Something? Anything?

Dammit.

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With regards to the last point, the reason I don't wind up in discussion about things, despite huge interest, is that there is always a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I remembered something wrong or what I'm saying is too blindingly obvious and at best, I will be looked upon as newbie child if I say it, at worst I'm irritating someone who's actually turning up with shiny presents for my fannish soul. I don't know if anyone else does that.

I love fandom. I love meta, I love reading all sorts of background stuff that I never thought anybody but me would ever be interested in. But that was just my little shot at explaining myself.

I can't speak for anyone else, but when I post shinies, even the most stupid and obvious response is less irritating than silence. I'm quite familiar with nagging voices (dealing with one right now over a different issue, actually), but short of fluent Eppybopperese, it takes a lot to bug me when someone's responding to something I've posted. And my experience is that a lot of the "newbie child" questions and comments are things that everyone was wondering but no one got around to actually discussing.

Not to mention most of the "intelligent discussion" that takes place is actually shameless fangirl gibberish. XD

I hate when I reply to somebody's post with "well, I can identify in this respect, because X", because it sounds so goddamn egotistical. So I'll curb myself.

I like how enthusiastic you are. I like how you don't let your life be dictated by what you feel you ought to be doing, but follow your whims and interests... I'm more of a dillitante; I wish I was as well-versed in the history and inner-workings of 1830s France as you do so I could discuss more gracefully. I'm afraid of making a fool of myself. (I'm also awful at commenting with items of substance.)

bleh, inarticulate.

Yep, it does, and I curb myself a lot in that way too. And yet I never seem to mind when other people do it--maybe we should both let loose more often.

If everyone's afraid of making fools of themselves (I definitely am) maybe we should all just be loons together or something. Because if that's what's stifling all the discussion in this fandom I will be most displeased. And I know my well-versed-ness in 1830s France is a sick obsession, so anyone who discusses it with me at all makes me happy.

If I did not have to work, especially not the job I have, I guarantee you I would be spending a much, much larger part of my life geeking over Les Mis fandom stuff. Fact is, I have a list of fandom-y things that I want to do, which is a mile long, and only grows because at the end of the workday, I just have no energy to do it. I don't much like people, and I hate phones, and somehow I made it into a job where I have to deal with those eight hours a day five days a week.

That said, anytime you post those things I glee over it, and I think I comment nearly all the time, except when I think, "Okay, I left three comments on three different entries of yours today; you're probably sick of me by now. XD" and just don't.

I used to be so much more active in the fandom, but my utter laziness and now this stupid job got rid of my activity. This is not to say I don't geek out now and then, though. I have other fandoms, but somehow I always end up thinking of Les Mis references first because let's face it, it's been nearly ten years for me and I literally don't remember what my life was like before I was such a Miznerd. :D I only got into the Internet back in 1998 to look up stuff on Les Mis, for seriously.

Also I guess it's kind of discouraging when there are so few active voices in the fandom, it's sort of like going to the arena on the night when the team's not playing and shouting GO TEAM, you know? So I don't as much nowadays. But when I find other people who care, I'm right in it, yo. :D

I do not get sick of fandomy people. XD Especially people who comment on my dorkythings.

Also I guess it's kind of discouraging when there are so few active voices in the fandom, it's sort of like going to the arena on the night when the team's not playing and shouting GO TEAM, you know?

Exaaaactly.

I get that way about my obsessions a lot, too, and feel very similar when I meet with a silent flist. A little voice yells "They don't want to hear about it, you loser!" and so I've all but stopped doing fandom-only posts. *angst* There should be a community for people who just want to ramble about fandom all day long. Like, the Overenthusiastics Club.

Though I'm not a part of the Les Mis fandom, I still think many of the things you post are very interesting. If I knew more about it, I'm sure I'd reply. XD

The only problem is that if it were a general club, none of us would know each other's fandoms and we wouldn't get anywhere. Alas!

True. My reasoning was that at least our flists wouldn't be bombarded with solitary fandom ramblings if they don't want to hear about them. ;)

XD I figure if anyone doesn't want to be bombarded with fandom, they shouldn't friend me, as there's absolutely nothing else of interest on my journal.

Eh. Obsessive people bring the more easily distracted of us closer to the things we love. :D

I really like your fandom posts, but like some of the people above said, I often feel like I don't know enough to contribute anything meaningful.

Oh, and also I'd seem like Random Anonymous Stalker. I'm random and anonymous, but I promise that I'm not a stalker. :)

For what it's worth, my lack of comments re: Les Mis things isn't because I think you're a loser. I think it's awesome that you can get really into a subject the way you do. I just don't have any meaningful contributions to make, not least because I have the attention span of a gnat and rarely go that in-depth on much of anything. And French names tend to kind of blend together for me, so it's hard to keep (for example) minor characters and names of roads straight. So it's not you, it's me, I swear. ;D

You could just refer to it as "having a schizoid personality type." That way you avoid the label of disorder, and anyone who's bothered to skim the DSM-IV will know what you're talking about. (I picked that one over Asperger's because I think schizoid covers the lack of social drive more fully--it's one of the cardinal characteristics, whereas some people with AS do have some interest in socializing.) It could also be described simply as the extreme end of introversion, if you wanted to avoid psychological terms altogether. Personality is a very difficult thing to categorize, unfortunately. Which is why no one ever leaves a psychiatrist's office with just one diagnosis.

Hee, if LM fandom makes your eyes glaze over, that's a perfectly good reason not to comment. I'm just kind of boggling that apparently the reason people aren't replying is because they don't want to look silly.

That could work--of course, anyone not familiar with the DSM-IV would think I heard voices. XD Part of the problem is that I lack several of the hallmark traits of SPD and have a bunch of decidedly non-schizoid traits, and ditto that for Asperger's. Like some unholy fusion of the two. Extreme introversion could work, though.

You sound a lot like me. ^^;

Er, while a lot of the things you post make me practically incoherent with glee, I don't comment/IM you because I either can't thing of anything to say, or am afraid my inanity will annoy you.

Sorry. ^^;

I do not get annoyed with inanity. On the contrary, I'm responsible for a great deal of it. XD

Oh. Well now that I know that...>3

Man, if that's what you have, I do too.

The only difference?

I have no idea what LM is about.

Read it! Really! *evangelistic, what?*

There's nothing wrong with being obsessed with a fandom, regardless of what many people may say; As has already been mentioned by some people, I'm also one of those people that has cut back on fandom-ranting posts on LJ. I'm not quite sure why completely, but some of it has to do with not wanting to drive the friendslist nuts with my analysis of Labyrinth or Vampire Chronicles.

As far as flist interaction goes - I for one haven't responded to your posts because Les Miserables isn't a fandom I'm well-versed in and I tend to stay out of discussions for -any- fandom I'm mostly ignorant of. I do still read your posts though, because they're very interesting and doubtless when I finally do get around to re-reading The Brick again they'll make a lot of sense.

My book-Mis knowledge is a bit lame, and while I like the less taxing shinies, anything in French and/or completely hardcore historical tends to get ignored by me. However I am still very interested in the cast recording collections etc. XD

Also, points for using 'wangst'.

I think you're amazingly cool and think it's just...brilliant you are happy alone.

It is. It's just so COOL. It's brilliant. It is the way you should be. It is the way everyone should be. Perish the thought you be vapid, insipid and unable to spend 30 seconds without re-applying your lipgloss.

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