Ten Little Chances to be Free (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tenlittlebullets) wrote2003-10-26 08:38 pm
tenlittlebullets) wrote2003-10-26 08:38 pm
Annoying survey
[My name is]: Which one?
[in the morning I am]: not awake
[love is]: something I have no experience in
[I dream about]: being chased endlessly
-W I T H .T H E. O P P O S I T E. S A M E. S E X-
[what do you notice first?]: hair, skin, build
[last person you slow danced with]: that girl at homecoming... she just had to be straight, didn't she?
-W H O-
[do you have a crush on?]: that, my friend, is a deep, dark secret
[is easiest to talk to]: no one, at the moment
-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend]: *blink* best... friend? Haven't had one since grade school. Was madly in love with her though.
-W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: my grandmother, who wanted to talk to my dad
[hugged]: Sylvia
[you instant messaged]: dunno
[you laughed with]: dunno
-D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-
[could you live without the computer]: Nope. Computer junkie.
[what's your favorite food?]: Chinese--fried wontons, steamed meat dumplings, and white rice.
[whats your favorite fruit?]: apple
[what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: emotional... physical goes away and you forget about it, but emotional always comes back to bite you in the ass
[trust others way too easily?]: possibly. I trust/mistrust everyone about the same amount, which is too much for some and not enough for others
-N U M B E R-
[of times I have had my heart broken? ]: once... when she moved away
[of hearts I have broken?] : don't know... I hope none
[of boys I have kissed?] : none
[of girls I have kissed?] : two
[of drugs taken illegally?] : none, unless you count codeine-containing painkillers for cramps
[of tight friends?] : none
[of cd's that I own?] you expect me to COUNT them?
[of scars on my body?] : three or four
[of things in my past that I regret?] : I don't know...
-O.T.H.E.R.T.H.I.N.G.S.-
[I know]: everything that's useless and nothing that's useful
[I want]: social skills, a better computer and a girlfriend
[I have]: too much homework
[I wish]: that I wasn't such a fucking idiot
[I hate]: hypocrites and intolerant people
[I miss]: you, her, and the world I built up around myself when I was a little kid
[I hear]: rain, and the buzz/whine of my shitty computer
[I search]: google
[I love]: the moment when you finish creating something perfect... even if it's not perfect, it is in that moment
[I ache]: in my shoulders, which is what I get for trying to do lat delt raises with 15-pound dumbells
[I care]: about no one at the moment. sorry.
[I always]: fuck up royally at whatever I most want to do
[I dance]: ... not.
[I cry]: more than I should
[I never]: want to go to another school dance
[I write]: stupid, shitty trash that I'll never finish anyway
[I confuse]: people who want to know my gender
[I can usually be found]: on the computer, at the kitchen table, or in my room banging my head against the wall
[I need]: love, sex, or enlightenment, whichever comes first
[have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing]: yep
[if so, when and with who]: strip poker, with a bunch of friends and Faye, pervert extraordinaire
[favorite place to be kissed?]: only ever been kissed on the lips
[have you ever been caught "doing something"]: yea, but it was the last day of camp for her so we didn't care
[wuss]: no
[druggie]: no
[gang member]: no
[daydreamer]: extremely, yes
[alcoholic]: no
[freak]: define "freak" [but probably yes]
[brat]: yes
[goody-goody]: not really
[angel]: no
[devil]: no
[friend]: ... no.
[shy]: yes, very much so
[talkative]: if it's about something I'm obsessed with, yes
[adventurous]: sort of
[intelligent]: I used to think so
-Concerning.The.Friends.(You.Claim.To.Have)-
[impacted you the most spiritually]: no one
[wish you saw more often]: again, you, Sairah, Gray,her no i don't want to she's changed too much
[wish you could meet] Sio, Tracy, Gypsy
[most sarcastic]: Benji... but he's not a friend, really
[wish you knew better]: Gray
[knows you best]: no one
[best outlook on life]: i dunno
[most paranoid]: i dunno
[sweetest]: I DUNNO DAMNIT
-Self-Analysis.You.Probably.Don't.Want.To.Do-
[your best feature (personality)]: no idea... maybe my so-called intelligence
[your biggest flaw (personality)]: take everything too seriously, socially awkward, passive-aggressive, obsessive
[most annoying thing you do]: stare. i never realise I'm doing it
[biggest mistake you've made this far]: too many
[describe your personality in one word]: ???
[the physical feature for which you are most often complimented]: eyes, sometimes hair
[person you regret sleeping with]: I never slept with anyone...
[a smell that makes you smile]: the air right before it rains
[a sound that makes you smile]: good music
[a country you'd like to visit]: Germany, Russia, Holland, Japan, Italy, UK, Switzerland, France, the list goes on...
[a drink you order most often]: just water. never anything else.
[a delicious desert]: maple sugar candies
[a book you highly recommend]: anything O'Reilly... o, you mean fiction? I suppose Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy
[the music you prefer while alone]: synthpoppy industrial, industrialish metal, maybe a dash of plain old rock
[your favorite band]: Rammstein, KMFDM, VNV Nation, Apoptygma Berzerk, Wumpscut, NIN, Kompressor, System of a Down...
[a film you could watch over and over]: Boys Don't Cry, any of the original three Star Wars, Princess Bride, Schindler's List, Fight Club, The Matrix...
[TV show you watch regularly]: I don't
[you live in a(n)]: shithole of a city that happens to be the capital of this shithole of a country
[your transportation]: public transpor--bus or subway
[your cologne or perfume]: none
[under your bed or in your closet you hide]: vinyl pants, whips, and sex toys... >:)
[something important on your night table]: speakers, with my monster subwoofer beneath it
Since it's pouring outside now, I'd just like to ramble on that moment right before it starts to rain... when you can smell it in the air, when the light becomes dark and diffuse, but not gloomily, when the wind is tugging softly and the ozone is practically crackling around you... that moment is perfection, and even more so because it inevitably can never last. It might not be broken with the first raindrop, or with the second, but soon the rain will begin to fall in earnest and paint everything in its sombre, sodden colours, the odd beauty of the light will be blotted out, the wind will whip icily at you or fall silent, and all the tension will seep out of the air with the little streams of water in the gutters. It is the tension that makes that moment what it is, the anticipation, the feeling in the air of a muscle coiled and ready to spring.
As you might have guessed, tonight I'm waxing both philosophical and depressed. I suppose it's a bit of nostalgia for when I was little, when I would create worlds for myself that could never be shared, that by their--or my--very nature drove a little wedge between me and the rest of the world. Like that show that aired in the eighties, that at the end was revealed to be just a figment of the autistic boy's imagination. I want that little wedge back, because I am fucking sick of the world and as far as I'm concerned, the more distance between it and me the better. I'm sick of living my life on other peoples' terms; when I was little, other people were just extraordinarily unpredictable objects and I wish I could look at them that way again, just glance at them and not care and go back the world and the tasks I'd created for myself, tasks may look like odd and pointless behaviour to them but which meant galaxies to me. When I was six I read an R.L. Stine book that finishes with the little boy discovering that he's the only real person on earth, and everyone else is just a meaningless simulation; and that possibility, instead of creeping me out, just confirmed the views I already had. Selfish? Perhaps. But then, I always had problems in relating to other people.
Enough. I'm surprised if you've read this far. That's another thing I had to consciously learn how to do to not piss other people off, cut short my rambles for the sake of anyone who might be an audience. Can't tell if you're bored or not, so I'll stop here.
[in the morning I am]: not awake
[love is]: something I have no experience in
[I dream about]: being chased endlessly
-W I T H .T H E.
[what do you notice first?]: hair, skin, build
[last person you slow danced with]: that girl at homecoming... she just had to be straight, didn't she?
-W H O-
[do you have a crush on?]: that, my friend, is a deep, dark secret
[is easiest to talk to]: no one, at the moment
-H A V E .Y O U .E V E R-
[fallen for your best friend]: *blink* best... friend? Haven't had one since grade school. Was madly in love with her though.
-W H O .W A S .T H E .L A S T. P E R S O N-
[you talked to on the phone]: my grandmother, who wanted to talk to my dad
[hugged]: Sylvia
[you instant messaged]: dunno
[you laughed with]: dunno
-D O .Y O U / / A R E .Y O U-
[could you live without the computer]: Nope. Computer junkie.
[what's your favorite food?]: Chinese--fried wontons, steamed meat dumplings, and white rice.
[whats your favorite fruit?]: apple
[what hurts the most? physical pain or emotional pain?]: emotional... physical goes away and you forget about it, but emotional always comes back to bite you in the ass
[trust others way too easily?]: possibly. I trust/mistrust everyone about the same amount, which is too much for some and not enough for others
-N U M B E R-
[of times I have had my heart broken? ]: once... when she moved away
[of hearts I have broken?] : don't know... I hope none
[of boys I have kissed?] : none
[of girls I have kissed?] : two
[of drugs taken illegally?] : none, unless you count codeine-containing painkillers for cramps
[of tight friends?] : none
[of cd's that I own?] you expect me to COUNT them?
[of scars on my body?] : three or four
[of things in my past that I regret?] : I don't know...
-O.T.H.E.R.T.H.I.N.G.S.-
[I know]: everything that's useless and nothing that's useful
[I want]: social skills, a better computer and a girlfriend
[I have]: too much homework
[I wish]: that I wasn't such a fucking idiot
[I hate]: hypocrites and intolerant people
[I miss]: you, her, and the world I built up around myself when I was a little kid
[I hear]: rain, and the buzz/whine of my shitty computer
[I search]: google
[I love]: the moment when you finish creating something perfect... even if it's not perfect, it is in that moment
[I ache]: in my shoulders, which is what I get for trying to do lat delt raises with 15-pound dumbells
[I care]: about no one at the moment. sorry.
[I always]: fuck up royally at whatever I most want to do
[I dance]: ... not.
[I cry]: more than I should
[I never]: want to go to another school dance
[I write]: stupid, shitty trash that I'll never finish anyway
[I confuse]: people who want to know my gender
[I can usually be found]: on the computer, at the kitchen table, or in my room banging my head against the wall
[I need]: love, sex, or enlightenment, whichever comes first
[have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing]: yep
[if so, when and with who]: strip poker, with a bunch of friends and Faye, pervert extraordinaire
[favorite place to be kissed?]: only ever been kissed on the lips
[have you ever been caught "doing something"]: yea, but it was the last day of camp for her so we didn't care
[wuss]: no
[druggie]: no
[gang member]: no
[daydreamer]: extremely, yes
[alcoholic]: no
[freak]: define "freak" [but probably yes]
[brat]: yes
[goody-goody]: not really
[angel]: no
[devil]: no
[friend]: ... no.
[shy]: yes, very much so
[talkative]: if it's about something I'm obsessed with, yes
[adventurous]: sort of
[intelligent]: I used to think so
-Concerning.The.Friends.(You.Claim.To.Have)-
[impacted you the most spiritually]: no one
[wish you saw more often]: again, you, Sairah, Gray,
[wish you could meet] Sio, Tracy, Gypsy
[most sarcastic]: Benji... but he's not a friend, really
[wish you knew better]: Gray
[knows you best]: no one
[best outlook on life]: i dunno
[most paranoid]: i dunno
[sweetest]: I DUNNO DAMNIT
-Self-Analysis.You.Probably.Don't.Want.To.Do-
[your best feature (personality)]: no idea... maybe my so-called intelligence
[your biggest flaw (personality)]: take everything too seriously, socially awkward, passive-aggressive, obsessive
[most annoying thing you do]: stare. i never realise I'm doing it
[biggest mistake you've made this far]: too many
[describe your personality in one word]: ???
[the physical feature for which you are most often complimented]: eyes, sometimes hair
[person you regret sleeping with]: I never slept with anyone...
[a smell that makes you smile]: the air right before it rains
[a sound that makes you smile]: good music
[a country you'd like to visit]: Germany, Russia, Holland, Japan, Italy, UK, Switzerland, France, the list goes on...
[a drink you order most often]: just water. never anything else.
[a delicious desert]: maple sugar candies
[a book you highly recommend]: anything O'Reilly... o, you mean fiction? I suppose Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy
[the music you prefer while alone]: synthpoppy industrial, industrialish metal, maybe a dash of plain old rock
[your favorite band]: Rammstein, KMFDM, VNV Nation, Apoptygma Berzerk, Wumpscut, NIN, Kompressor, System of a Down...
[a film you could watch over and over]: Boys Don't Cry, any of the original three Star Wars, Princess Bride, Schindler's List, Fight Club, The Matrix...
[TV show you watch regularly]: I don't
[you live in a(n)]: shithole of a city that happens to be the capital of this shithole of a country
[your transportation]: public transpor--bus or subway
[your cologne or perfume]: none
[under your bed or in your closet you hide]: vinyl pants, whips, and sex toys... >:)
[something important on your night table]: speakers, with my monster subwoofer beneath it
Since it's pouring outside now, I'd just like to ramble on that moment right before it starts to rain... when you can smell it in the air, when the light becomes dark and diffuse, but not gloomily, when the wind is tugging softly and the ozone is practically crackling around you... that moment is perfection, and even more so because it inevitably can never last. It might not be broken with the first raindrop, or with the second, but soon the rain will begin to fall in earnest and paint everything in its sombre, sodden colours, the odd beauty of the light will be blotted out, the wind will whip icily at you or fall silent, and all the tension will seep out of the air with the little streams of water in the gutters. It is the tension that makes that moment what it is, the anticipation, the feeling in the air of a muscle coiled and ready to spring.
As you might have guessed, tonight I'm waxing both philosophical and depressed. I suppose it's a bit of nostalgia for when I was little, when I would create worlds for myself that could never be shared, that by their--or my--very nature drove a little wedge between me and the rest of the world. Like that show that aired in the eighties, that at the end was revealed to be just a figment of the autistic boy's imagination. I want that little wedge back, because I am fucking sick of the world and as far as I'm concerned, the more distance between it and me the better. I'm sick of living my life on other peoples' terms; when I was little, other people were just extraordinarily unpredictable objects and I wish I could look at them that way again, just glance at them and not care and go back the world and the tasks I'd created for myself, tasks may look like odd and pointless behaviour to them but which meant galaxies to me. When I was six I read an R.L. Stine book that finishes with the little boy discovering that he's the only real person on earth, and everyone else is just a meaningless simulation; and that possibility, instead of creeping me out, just confirmed the views I already had. Selfish? Perhaps. But then, I always had problems in relating to other people.
Enough. I'm surprised if you've read this far. That's another thing I had to consciously learn how to do to not piss other people off, cut short my rambles for the sake of anyone who might be an audience. Can't tell if you're bored or not, so I'll stop here.
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