Insecurity yay

[tenlittlebullets]

So I had a whole post about how I turned in my article of doom on the avant-garde play, despite the horrible temptation to just write about A Streetcar Named Desire instead, because we watched the movie in class. And a long-ass analysis of my five-year-old self's favorite movie, because sometimes the cluelessness of posters and commenters on Feministing makes me want to throw sharp objects at the screen. (Yes, the post on Little Mermaid made me prickly, because it's not a feminist nightmare for Christ's sake.)

But I'll post that later.

This afternoon I decided to just say "fuck it" and post chapter 2 of the trans!Enjolras fic tonight. The chapter isn't finished, but the first half is (save minor editing), and there's enough there for me to post it as-is while I kick the second half into shape.

And then I got home and read coloneldespard's latest fic and immediately changed my mind. I was already in a morose self-hatey frame of mind, so perhaps my initial urge to curl up in the corner and rip everything I've written to shreds was unwarranted, but I was already unsatisfied with how bland my characterizations seemed. Despard's fic just drove home to what extent I am writing about characters whose names are Enjolras and Combeferre who are saying things that might not be utterly OOC for their canon selves, but who have no goddamn personality.

Argh, I promise I'm trying not to be self-hatey. But this fic needs beta work. Not because it outright sucks, but because it's the first multi-chapter fic I've attempted since I was a fourteen-year-old Harry Potter fanbrat, and I'm having trouble reining in my authorial faults: bland characterization, aimless dialogue, tone/mood/pacing fail.

On the other hand, I am sinfully proud of the backstory I wrote for Enjolras. Trying to get the next few chapters done mostly so I have an excuse to post it. (And so I have an excuse to write gay Combeferre and FTM Enjolras having hot sex.)

Comments

[mmejavert.livejournal.com]

♥ If you think your characters are bland, I'd hate to think what mine would be, since your characterisation so utterly pwns mine.

[kittycallum.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I don't think I've read any of your fic yet, but I can't see your Enjolras and Combeferre being out of character -- you have such a good understanding of all the characters, if your Abaisse posts are anything to go by, so I'm sure your fic isn't bad at all.

(My 5-year-old self is very curious about the Little Mermaid post -- what was it about?)

[blue-sky-day.livejournal.com]

Probably remembering nothing of the movie except for "Poor Unfortunate Souls" and taking that to be the moral of the story while ignoring the rest of the film. That is, if it's anything like the "feminist" critiques I've seen in the past.

[blue-sky-day.livejournal.com]

Ok, now that I went and read the post, I take back my comment.

[toi-marguerite.livejournal.com]

Dude, you know I'm always willing to beta for you. Also, your characterizations are not bland. You've only had, what, a chapter to set everything up and flesh everyone out? Besides that, everyone's insecure about their work- there are some chapters of PftA that, as I look back and them, make me feel kinda ':/ why did I think I could write again'?

If you want to talk about characterizations or anything, I have a really long shift in the library this afternoon, or we could get together in a cafe tomorrow and chat. Actually, that might be fun, just going to a cafe and spreading out bits of paper and things between our coffee cups and looking like ~writers~. Let me know?

[10littlebullets.livejournal.com]

Despard mentioned below that she has a tendency to overwrite (which IMO is not a defect, at least not the way she pulls it off!), and that made something go 'click' in my head. I underwrite. Even when I'm trying not to. That's what I meant by 'bland,' and that's what I want to fix.

Wanna get together after dinner this evening and swap notes? If you have more Passion for the Absolute I'd love to give it a look-over.

[toi-marguerite.livejournal.com]

Aaaah! It's the Hemmingway syndrome! I notice it a lot whenever I take creative writing classes- now that I look back, I can see it a bit in your stuff, but it's not egregious, really. But yeah- it is a style that lends itself very well to vignettes and short things and I can see how it would be difficult to do longer things.

Sure! When/where?

Oh God, I'm having such trouble with it. I have a lovely almost literary multilayered discussion of bienséance between Courfeyrac, Jehan, Bahorel and Combeferre but no idea of how I'm getting there, or if the plot idea I've got for the chapter is actually tenable or just me just trying to rip off George Sand's Horace.

[10littlebullets.livejournal.com]

I'll show you mine and you show me yours? (With the understanding on both sides that it is rough-draft material and not necessarily polished/ready to go in context.)

After dinner, so 9 or 9:30ish. As for where, ummmmm. Do you want to find somewhere near Reid Hall, or near my place so we can find a café near the Butte aux Cailles or Field of the Lark, or somewhere else entirely?

[toi-marguerite.livejournal.com]

I SOMEHOW JUST BROKE THE WORK KEYBOARD AND CANNOT GET OUT OF CAPS LOCK, SO SORRY ABOUT THIS AND ALSO THE LACK OF MOST PUNCTUATION

IT'S A FRENCH KEYBOARD AND DOES WEIRD KEY COMBOS AND ALL THE PERIODS TURN TO ;

WHICHEVER IS EASIER FOR YOU? I CAN TAKE MY EEE ANYWHERE

[10littlebullets.livejournal.com]

Ack, sorry, somehow it is 9pm and I haven't responded.

Ummmm... meet at my place? Cafés likely to be less expensive here than in Montparnasse, at any rate.

[toi-marguerite.livejournal.com]

Argh, stupid lj comment notification, didn't get this until now. Is it too late? Do you want to meet up tomorrow instead?

[10littlebullets.livejournal.com]

Whatever you like! I think I have the energy for a good in-person beta session, but if you feel like you're going to crash before we get anything done, there's always tomorrow.

[coloneldespard.livejournal.com]

Ah...isn't it funny you see it as bland, when what I see is this beautifully terse, punchy writing that I wouldn't at all liken to the usual run of fanfic. And you do have these wonderful touches of exquisite lyricism that just stand out all the more in the spare elegance of your prose - I don't think anyone will ever forget the image of Enjolras unfurling a tricolour on the barricades in 1830 with that transcendant look on his face. That one will forever stay with me as a powerful image of the character (andonethatIamsogoingtotryanddraw).

Rubbing hands gleefully over the prospect of more Trans!Enjolras and more APftA!

[10littlebullets.livejournal.com]

(andonethatIamsogoingtotryanddraw)

EEEEIAMSOEXCITEDANDFLATTERED

That image is totally an exception to the way I normally write though, and I wish I could do things like that more often. It's half pulled from the Mabeuf scene in LM, half pulled from an incident in Dumas' memoirs where the sight of the tricolor flying over Notre-Dame in 1830 practically makes grown men weep.

I'd like to hope that the backstory I've written for trans!Enjolras has a touch of that, but I need to write the next few chapters before I can post it.

[coloneldespard.livejournal.com]

I'm kind of chuckling here, because I read the first part of your post thinking "OOOooooooOOOOooooOOOOO...more of the trans!Enjolras fic!!!!" and planning on hot footing it over to MHS as soon as I'd finished reading to the end. Then having an "Oh Noes!" moment when you decided not to post it.

When you mentioned my work, my reaction was "oh dear...my story was even worse than I thought! The characterisations were so flat that they're turning Marianne off fanfic altogether - even writing her own!" Then I realised that wasn't the thrust of your comments. I had serious misgivings about posting that story.

I love your characterisations. You've written some of my all-time favourites - "Stains" and the latest Combeferre/Enjolras slash fic (not to mention the gorgeous Enjolras/Courfeyrac). And not just your characterisations, but your style...you don't overwrite like I have a tendency to do, but you're always elegant and compact while not superficial. I'd say your pacing was spot on, too - it certainly never drags, but never comes across as either rushed or glib.

In short, More Enjolras Fic Please!

[10littlebullets.livejournal.com]

Ha, yeah, that post could've been worded better. You have Epic Characterizations of Epicness that make me go squeeee while I'm reading, but make me want to curl up in the corner and weep when I look at my own writing.

I think it hit particularly close to home with "Mal du siècle" and the trans!Enjolras fic (which still needs a title), because the basic setup is so similar: Combeferre keeping a secret for Enjolras, one that puts E's role in a completely different perspective and you'd expect it to change his basic character, but it doesn't and that's kind of the point. The opening, with Combeferre delivering the diagnosis and Enjolras comforting him instead of the other way around, is going to make it hard for me to write some of the later scenes in the fic because I'll be trying frantically not to plagiarize. *g*

I love your fics and your style so much. What you call overwriting works perfectly with your style and the characters and the types of stories you're telling. Especially given the original canon--none of us can be accused of laying it on thicker than Hugo himself. It's a style more common in published fiction than in fanfic, because fanfic often tries to be artsy and tiptoe around the point, but that's exactly the reason why your fics (and Marguerite's) make me want to print them out and settle down with them over a cup of tea. They read like a novel, and fanfic reads like fanfic.

I underwrite like crazy, and the problem is that it's not a conscious choice but a habit picked up from years of reading fanfic. Especially Les Mis fic, which for years consisted mostly of fleshed-out RP logs and vignettes where the idea was to make your point in as little space as possible, and be elliptical about it to avoid driving the point home with a sledgehammer. I picked it up unconsciously and wish I could be rid of it, because it's not very well-adapted for multi-chapter fics and it pisses me the hell off to read it in published fiction (had a hard time with Neil Gaiman's short stories for this very reasoon). Sometimes, especially when canon is an anvilicious 19th century novel, a sledgehammer is what you need.

[mmebahorel.livejournal.com]

Coming back to this after you tell me to ignore it *g*:

I think I'm glad I quit reading fic years ago and just concentrated on writing my own. (and I'm writing flesh out RP logs. Sort of. Ha! *g*)

Maybe try writing like Belinsky for once, just as an exercise. "I don't have time for a style, everything just goes in!" Everything. Every ridiculous explanation of what you want to the reader to think when you know you should be leading them on a path, every adjective that might be used for a mental picture of the scene even if it becomes overly wordy and overwrought. It may help you figure out better what you're leaving out and what you realise you don't like leaving out. (I mostly avoid physical descriptions because I suck at writing them.)

Of course, I feel like I write like Belinsky. Sometimes, it just turns out decent. I still don't know how that Musichetta fic, for example, happened. It just did. It all goes in.

Yes, I am finally dignifying your whining with a response :)