I don't know whether I'm okay

[tenlittlebullets]

Yes, it could be stress making me crack, but this has been coming for a long time and it's of my own making, really.

I did my databases project at the last minute and did a crappy job of it, because it turned out to be more work than I could reasonably do in the time I had left. Also because--surprise!--when you have not slept or eaten in a while, you can't think as clearly. I thought it just kept getting harder and harder the more I worked on it, then when I had finally sent the code off to the professor at 11:36pm (minus the PDF report explaining my work, because my computer crashed for realz when I was in the middle of writing it and I'm stupendously lucky I was doing all my code on a remote server), I went down to the kitchen and tried to read Balzac while I ate and I couldn't. The words did not make sense. It wasn't a particularly difficult passage, in fact it was in the part of Lost Illusions that I've already read, but my mind could not assemble the words into sentences.

And instead of doing anything today like, oh IDK, actually writing that report, or finding out the due date for my OTHER GINORMOUS PROJECT that I haven't started yet, I farted around reading and eating endless quantities of toast and managed to do this so long that I was late for my Tuesday class. Not that it mattered because my Tuesday class was not meeting today, apparently last week was the last one. So I went and had a nervous breakdown in the school bathroom. Then I cleaned myself up and went off to the Smith building to pick up my power cord and proceeded to have another nervous breakdown.

The thing is that this is not me worrying that I won't be able to do my project on time, it's me realizing that I am a horrible slothful waste of space whose life is a meaningless void when left to my own devices I do absolutely nothing. I am hopeless without direct supervision. It's not like I put off the projects for so long because of all the stuff that was going on in my life, I had nothing going on in my life, I spend all my time in front of the goddamn computer. I curl up in a ball and play dead and take the "if I close my eyes you can't see me" approach to anything that even vaguely resembles an obligation or a responsibility, even stupid things like replying to LJ comments or checking my email. Every single paper and large homework assignment I've turned in this year--every single one--was done at four in the morning the night before it was due. I have no study skills, I compulsively avoid tasks and obligations, so that I can fill my life with... what? Endlessly refreshing the same half-dozen websites? I hardly go out, I haven't been to the theatre all semester except for Les Mis in February and what I've had to do for class, I haven't taken advantage of BEING IN FUCKING PARIS, I've just shut myself in my room and done pointless things, and now it's all coming to bite me in the ass. And the thing that's making me freak out right now isn't the giant load of work crashing down on my head, it's the consciousness that it's my own fucking fault and I still can't stop procrastinating.

I... I think I need help organizing Barricade Day. I need someone to make the lunch reservation at the Cafe Procope and figure out how we're going to manage the bill for that (I suppose the easiest would just be to ask everyone to bring cash), organize the tricolor sashes thing if that's still going on, get a final show of hands for trips to Montreuil-sur-Mer and/or Montfermeil (Montfermeil should be easy, it's in the Paris suburbs), I don't even know what else. I need to go through the group tickets and figure out who's still coming and find new takers for the abandoned tickets. I'm still doing the tour of course, and once I've got my schoolwork cleared up I'll spend a few afternoons revisiting all these places and devising an itinerary for the tour. And in terms of pure practicality I need to find meeting places. Meeting places nobody can get lost getting to. For the Procope it'll be easy, the Danton statue outside the Odeon metro stop is hard to miss, but for the others... the site of the barricade is right on top of the biggest and most confusing metro station in all of Paris. I'll have to work something out.

I work okay when I'm under direct supervision, and a lot of these things I've been putting off and avoiding are things that I actually find enjoyable (see: Barricade Day, fic writing, computer programming, etc). It's when I'm left to my own devices that the sucking void of time-wasting starts consuming everything. If I have only little scraps of free time in between scheduled things like classes, I do take advantage of them to maximum effect, it's when I have to organize my own time that I just completely, utterly fail. Not coincidentally, my first major depression episode was at Simon's Rock--yeah, there were other circumstances there too, but being left on my own with a pile of work and no one who gave a shit how I managed my time didn't help. In high school I spent a lot of time feeling like the square peg getting pounded into the round hole, but at least there was structure.

Argh, I don't even know, the more I think about it the more I want to spend a few weeks this summer in a cabin in the woods with no internet. I need to spend some time away from my time-waster of choice.

Comments

[gileonnen.livejournal.com]

*just hugs tightly* I get this. Don't beat yourself up too much, eh?

[brouhaha.livejournal.com]

when left to my own devices I do absolutely nothing. I am hopeless without direct supervision. It's not like I put off the projects for so long because of all the stuff that was going on in my life, I had nothing going on in my life, I spend all my time in front of the goddamn computer. I curl up in a ball and play dead and take the "if I close my eyes you can't see me" approach to anything that even vaguely resembles an obligation or a responsibility

This could absolutely describe my last three goddamn years. Including right now as I could probably be doing something other than reading LJ.

*hug* Just sending you support - I wish I had some more helpful words. If I were in France I would totally help you with Barricade Day because whoa, BARRICADE DAY IN PARIS. :D

[mmebahorel.livejournal.com]

*hugs* If there's anything I can do from over here, let me know.

[collectingbees.livejournal.com]

oh, sweetie. Don't beat yourself up too much, like the other comment said.

Treat Barricade day like it's your reward for finishing everything up.

please feel better, sweetie.

[coloneldespard.livejournal.com]

As everyone says - *please* don't beat yourself up over this. I read your post with a sinking feeling, as you've described pretty much the way I was the entire way through Uni...and now that I'm in the workforce, I still do this. My psychologist and I have had a few chats about me beating the crap out of myself for "procrastinating".

Show of hands for those of who sit here, spending far to much time revisiting and refreshing websites, hoping for something new to be posted, knowing that if we *are* going to be online we should be doing something constructive (finishing fics, answering emails, reviewing stories and artworks etc). I don't know if it's any consolation at all, and I don't want to in any way seek to belittle the pain and anxiety you're feeling, but please don't think that you somehow deserve this because of what you've done.

You shouldn't have to organise Barricade Day by yourself - that's not fair. What can we do to help that is practical? I'd be happy to take over the Procope booking, for example - I can put out a preliminary call for those who want to attend and finalise the date, make the tentative booking, and then re-confirm the booking closer to the date when we're in Paris.
I agree that a cash solution would be best for the bill...don't know if they'd accept it, but in those situations I also like to pay for my drinks seperately as I buy them (don't want the charge for my cocktails mixed up with anyone's Diet Cola).

We've already had a bit of a discussion with Loony about the sashes - she's kindly offered to make some up. It would be too much to ask her to do them all, but I'd be happy to advance some money to her and any of our gifted craftspeople to make them. I can even check with my mother (she's already committed to sewing buttons on my new repro dropfront pants!).

You're nearly there. It's one of those rotten, grit-your-teeth periods at the moment, but summer is around the corner and good times. Your uni stuff takes priority, I think we all understand that - and we'll help wherever we can with the Barricade Day organisation.

[10littlebullets.livejournal.com]

Okay. Since my life for the next two weeks is going to be computer-sciency stuff anyway, I'll make a page with the entries in the RSVP database and password-protect it so only you can read it. That should at least give you a tentative count of people who are interested, and you can email them to confirm. I'll also email you the password for the barricademod account so you can get a show of hands on LJ. And would it be too much of a bother to ask you to ask around on musicals.net too?

[coloneldespard.livejournal.com]

Not at all! I don't have an account yet for musicals.net, but will start one there. I'll make the initial booking early next week, and will drop in while we're staying nearby in the first couple of days to see it's all okay.

[kittycallum.livejournal.com]

I think many of us can relate to your trouble with this -- I am horribly unproductive most days because I'll just sit there refreshing a page or flipping between my usual sites, hoping for something new. I know it's no consolation to hear it, but you aren't alone in this at all, and I'm sorry to hear you're so down on yourself for it. Like everyone else has said, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it.

I had similar trouble this year, especially this semester, around exam time, where I just could not concentrate, spent endless quantities of time online when I knew I was meant to be doing something academic. Reading the third paragraph of this post was like reading my own thoughts at that time -- not going out much, and avoiding obligations compulsively. I don't know what to say that could possibly help, only that I get what you're saying, and hope that you're able to treat yourself well despite it.

As for Barricade Day, I truly wish I could help out from over here. Since I'm leaving on Friday, I would be unable to really do anything before then. But Despard's right -- you shouldn't have to do it by yourself, and there're probably many people who can and will help out with it. Best of luck with all the school things, and I really hope that things get easier soon. *hugs*

[lesmisloony.livejournal.com]

I'm a terrible procrastinator as well, and I've gotten to a level of despair that might be similar to what you're going through. That's when I have to break down and make a to-do list. In fact, I've got one open right now. I don't know if you already operate by a to-do list, but if not, I recommend it. They've saved my sanity at least twice.

As for Barricade Day, don't even worry about the sashes. That's one part that I'm confident I can take care of. In fact, I'll add it to my to-do list.

From what I've seen, you're more stellar than you realise. Barricade Day was a cooler idea than anything I'd have come up with, and you've already organised a gorgeous website with a guest list and all sorts of great information. Concentrate on your school work first, tell us what we can do to help you out while you're busy, and *then* worry about the details of Barricade Day. Just remember that we're here if you need anything.

(And, based on your livejournal entries, I think you've done a good job of making the most of your year in Europe as well. You've seen all sorts of amazing things, and all of that was self-initiated!)

[mmejavert.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Oh man. This:
when left to my own devices I do absolutely nothing. I am hopeless without direct supervision. It's not like I put off the projects for so long because of all the stuff that was going on in my life, I had nothing going on in my life, I spend all my time in front of the goddamn computer. I curl up in a ball and play dead and take the "if I close my eyes you can't see me" approach to anything that even vaguely resembles an obligation or a responsibility, even stupid things like replying to LJ comments or checking my email.

and this: In high school I spent a lot of time feeling like the square peg getting pounded into the round hole, but at least there was structure.

... I feel this. I mean I honestly know exactly how it feels. If people don't tell me what to do and when to do it, I often don't -- but if they do I often tell them to fuck off. I need structure, which is why I force myself to go to work every day, but honestly I just fall apart playing computer games and refreshing websites all the time when I know I have better things to do. I pretend things don't exist and avoid them.



(Incidentally. I did want to talk to you about stuff, especially since you mentioned summer cabin etc., but don't feel obligated to right now if you don't want to.)

[amabla.livejournal.com]

Oh my goodness, believe me when I say I can relate (eg. I've had this comment half typed out for a good 6 hours). But seriously, everything that you've done so far - getting to Paris, organising little trips to other places in France and beyond, not dropping out of university - says loads for your ability to be not lazy. It's draining, it's difficult, and sometimes doing just enough is the best thing you can do for yourself.

School is your first priority now, anything that anyone else can do for Barricade Day, delegate to them. (I would offer my services, but I don't really know what I can do given that Loony has taken on the sashes job.)

[ulkis.livejournal.com]

The thing is that this is not me worrying that I won't be able to do my project on time, it's me realizing that I am a horrible slothful waste of space whose life is a meaningless void

Like everyone else said, no you are not. I know horrible slothful etc etc, myself being one of them, and you are so not. You went to see all those cities and countries by yourself! I couldn't do that, and lots of other people I know couldn't do that. I admire all of you guys who are flying out for barricade day.

If's there anything I can do to help you out at abaisse, let me know.

[misatheredpanda.livejournal.com]

I don't know how I can say anything that won't sound silly but all seriousness, what you're feeling is completely understandable (I mean it, I know) and I hope things look up and I admire the hell out of you anyway. And I hope the fruits of all this stress will be worth it at least a little bit.

As for the practical part of helping, if there's anything I can do at all to help with Barricade Day please let me know. Odd jobs or whatever. :] I know I'm probably not one to talk as I've not got beyond plane tickets for my own personal planning (lolll, I'm going to be sleeping on a bench) but I would be happy to do my part - for example if you want a second brain (or even just someone to think 'aloud' to) working out tour/meeting point stuff I might be able to help since I've done most of those places before. I also *think* I have my excruciatingly detailed little notebook of info on Paris museums etc. with Revolution-related things if you want me to do anything with that...

OR if you don't need my help with any of that but just want to talk, send an email and let me know, I like listening. Unfortunately I too am sort of in a state for the next two weeks because of exams but it's really not too bad now and I want to be able to do something. Take care of yourself my dear.