Ten Little Chances to be Free (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tenlittlebullets) wrote2010-05-17 11:14 pm
tenlittlebullets) wrote2010-05-17 11:14 pm
FML
Well the past twenty-four hours have been shit on a fucking platter.
Being dumb enough to play therapist/drama-defuser/shoulder-to-cry-on when I have my own depression to stave off? Check.
Being dumb enough to do this until five in the goddamn morning when I had a final exam at eight-thirty? Check.
Screwing up my time management on the exam due to sleep deprivation, spending way too much time on one section, and having to rush through the important parts? Check.
Having to fucking justify why I cut someone out of my life years ago, and discovering... well, not really sexual assault triggers, but lingering feelings of oodginess I didn't know I still had? Check.
Drama breaking out anyway despite five-in-the-morning efforts to calm things down? Check.
Discovering that I now have less than a week to do my final network-programming project, instead of two? Fucking check.
I'm done, man. I'm throwing in the towel. Today does not exist; it is not a Monday, it is an Unday. Today can get itself fucked by a chainsaw, eat shit, and go die in a fire. I don't care how little progress I've made on that project, I am just going straight to fucking bed so that when I wake up it will no longer be today. And so that, oh, yeah, I'll have some goddamn sleep for my next final exam tomorrow.
Being dumb enough to play therapist/drama-defuser/shoulder-to-cry-on when I have my own depression to stave off? Check.
Being dumb enough to do this until five in the goddamn morning when I had a final exam at eight-thirty? Check.
Screwing up my time management on the exam due to sleep deprivation, spending way too much time on one section, and having to rush through the important parts? Check.
Having to fucking justify why I cut someone out of my life years ago, and discovering... well, not really sexual assault triggers, but lingering feelings of oodginess I didn't know I still had? Check.
Drama breaking out anyway despite five-in-the-morning efforts to calm things down? Check.
Discovering that I now have less than a week to do my final network-programming project, instead of two? Fucking check.
I'm done, man. I'm throwing in the towel. Today does not exist; it is not a Monday, it is an Unday. Today can get itself fucked by a chainsaw, eat shit, and go die in a fire. I don't care how little progress I've made on that project, I am just going straight to fucking bed so that when I wake up it will no longer be today. And so that, oh, yeah, I'll have some goddamn sleep for my next final exam tomorrow.
no subject
I've contributed to what you're going through - unintentionally, and I know you don't blame me, but I could have been more restrained, particularly when I know that there's enough pain and stress to go around.
Despardian solution: You get a cocktail of your choice um...wherever we go that serves cocktails. Thus is my conscience assuaged. Consider it the old Catholic guilt and the equivalent of 10 rosaries.
Seriously...(well, I am serious - both about the cocktail and about feeling very sorry I added to your burden)...this is an absolutely rotten situation, particularly as it was evident you were already walking on the tightrope this week.
I'm going to go ahead and see if this newly-found ability to log in will help me get those Procope reservations in...I'll get along without the database, as people can just re-reserve.
If there's anything more direct I can do, let me know. I can only imagine what it feels like to have those triggers hit at this time when you're already down (I get it sometimes when I see someone dressed like the man who assaulted me, and it can unsettle me for a long time afterwards).
no subject
The Procope reservations fortunately can be done via the website, and even more fortunately the website only asks you for a ballpark estimate of how many people. I think we're 15-30. I don't know if they'll ask you for more specific numbers once they get back to you. General preference seems to be for lunch on June 6, but if they're only available the 5th that's okay too.
I'm not going to call them triggers, because triggers to me means risk of flashbacks and panic attacks, and I just felt... oodgy. It's not the fault of the person who asked me to justify shutting this person out, because I guess it did just look like I decided like I hated someone and stopped talking to them, but that's because the reasons (and there are other reasons too) are not something I'm comfortable talking about in public. And even in private I was unspecific enough that the conversation accidentally ended up stomping on a very specific and odd sore spot, and there was no way the other person could've known about it. And I didn't say anything about it, but yeah. Oodgy.