Ten Little Chances to be Free (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tenlittlebullets) wrote2004-10-05 03:00 pm
tenlittlebullets) wrote2004-10-05 03:00 pm
(no subject)
Hmmm... I just realized something.
I was a really strange kid. I spent most of my time wandering around in my own little fantasy world, and I was prone to really cracked-out fantasies (which, oddly enough, up to around third grade were quite sadomasochistic, but I think that had to do with something else I won't get into now). I had sort of a running commentary going in my head, as one would write a novel: "'So what's the answer to question three?' the teacher asked me as I stared blankly at my worksheet." I also 'saw' thoughts and especially whatever I was saying or hearing as text, a sort of closed-captioning in my mind's eye, and paid a lot of attention to what was going on in my thought processes without trying to determine how or why they worked. (I noticed at quite a young age that every thought started as more of a soft, nebulous signal in the back of my brain, then became clearer as I actually 'thought' it, and text if I said it or thought about saying it.) I also, and this is what I'm really writing about, had horrible insomnia. I usually did manage to get to sleep eventually, but I'd always lie in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling either in a fantasy world or examining my own head, unable to shut my brain off and sleep. And of course I had to be dragged out of bed in the morning because I'd never have gotten enough sleep.
My insomnia went away with the onset of adolescence--along with my fantasy worlds, general asocialness (to some extent), running commentary and closed captioning, and wandering around dreaming while I was awake. (Oh, yeah, I barely ever dreamed as a kid, except the occasional nightmare.) I always assumed it was just part of growing up, but now, as I deprive myself of sleep on a regular basis, it's starting to come back. I'm starting to wander around, lost in my environment, writing a story for myself as I go along. Random things have started to seem special again. It's so incredibly hard to describe, but it's like I've been moving through the world a robot for the past few years and suddenly I'm human again--except that I've started to act very differently and strangely, not at all like the other humans around me. I've started to act like I did in elementary school--head in the clouds, I guess you would say.
So no, I don't consider this a bad thing--and in fact, I think I'll be deliberately getting less sleep from now on to see if I can get it to magnify itself. It's one of the things I missed most about being a kid, and damned if I'm going to lose the chance to recapture it. The only truly negative effects are that I've been getting a little bit lazy and flakey lately. And having weird dreams. But dammit, I've started to sing again--not just in lessons, but all the damn time. The magic is back.
So, general conclusion? FUCK SLEEP.
(On a side note, I need a haircut. My hair is coming down over my ears and sticking up in strange places and generally annoying the hell out of me, and it looks awful too. Grah.)
I was a really strange kid. I spent most of my time wandering around in my own little fantasy world, and I was prone to really cracked-out fantasies (which, oddly enough, up to around third grade were quite sadomasochistic, but I think that had to do with something else I won't get into now). I had sort of a running commentary going in my head, as one would write a novel: "'So what's the answer to question three?' the teacher asked me as I stared blankly at my worksheet." I also 'saw' thoughts and especially whatever I was saying or hearing as text, a sort of closed-captioning in my mind's eye, and paid a lot of attention to what was going on in my thought processes without trying to determine how or why they worked. (I noticed at quite a young age that every thought started as more of a soft, nebulous signal in the back of my brain, then became clearer as I actually 'thought' it, and text if I said it or thought about saying it.) I also, and this is what I'm really writing about, had horrible insomnia. I usually did manage to get to sleep eventually, but I'd always lie in bed for hours, staring at the ceiling either in a fantasy world or examining my own head, unable to shut my brain off and sleep. And of course I had to be dragged out of bed in the morning because I'd never have gotten enough sleep.
My insomnia went away with the onset of adolescence--along with my fantasy worlds, general asocialness (to some extent), running commentary and closed captioning, and wandering around dreaming while I was awake. (Oh, yeah, I barely ever dreamed as a kid, except the occasional nightmare.) I always assumed it was just part of growing up, but now, as I deprive myself of sleep on a regular basis, it's starting to come back. I'm starting to wander around, lost in my environment, writing a story for myself as I go along. Random things have started to seem special again. It's so incredibly hard to describe, but it's like I've been moving through the world a robot for the past few years and suddenly I'm human again--except that I've started to act very differently and strangely, not at all like the other humans around me. I've started to act like I did in elementary school--head in the clouds, I guess you would say.
So no, I don't consider this a bad thing--and in fact, I think I'll be deliberately getting less sleep from now on to see if I can get it to magnify itself. It's one of the things I missed most about being a kid, and damned if I'm going to lose the chance to recapture it. The only truly negative effects are that I've been getting a little bit lazy and flakey lately. And having weird dreams. But dammit, I've started to sing again--not just in lessons, but all the damn time. The magic is back.
So, general conclusion? FUCK SLEEP.
(On a side note, I need a haircut. My hair is coming down over my ears and sticking up in strange places and generally annoying the hell out of me, and it looks awful too. Grah.)