Ten Little Chances to be Free (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tenlittlebullets) wrote2005-09-26 09:18 am
tenlittlebullets) wrote2005-09-26 09:18 am
Coming-out Notice, Take III
<emcee> Meine Damen und Herren, mesdames et messieurs, ladies... and gentlemen:
I have an announcement to make.
When I was thirteen, I realized that I didn't like boys that much, and having some passive appreciation for the female form, I assumed I was homosexual.
When I was fifteen, I realized that I was really bad at being a girl, and deriving no small amount of satisfaction from passing as male, I assumed I was transsexual.
These were both honest mistakes that have since been rectified, much to the confusion (and occasional amusion) of those around me. My gender identity is still having a grand old time of floundering around being indecisive and I've no clue whether it will ever settle down, but now, at seventeen, I have finally discovered my sexual orientation based on, not passive appreciation and process of elimination, but an actual history of crushes and love affairs that was always there. The only problem was that I never had the sense to look.
Despite what a certain girlfriend of a few years ago (who is not on my flist at the moment) might tell you, I am not asexual, although at the moment I can be perfectly indifferent to sex if I so choose. Nor am I homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, trisexual, transsexual, omnisexual, pansexual, or even snarksexual. What am I, then?
I, my friends, am fandomsexual.
That's right. I do not fall in love with people. But that giddy feeling of infatuation, the urge to chatter forever about my newest crush, the feeling that you know all your stalkee's faults through and through but couldn't love them any less for it? I get that for books. For movies. For bands. For musicals. It was always my impression that I'd never had any crushes as an adolescent, no love life, no feelings for the people I dated, but looking back on it in fandomsexual terms I've had a perfectly normal love life, all things considered. Serial fandom monogamy, almost, with the same feeling of loss and uselessness when I was between fandoms that dependent people get when they're between relationships.
Star Wars? Star Wars was my childhood sweetheart. Everybody say "awww" with me now.
Harry Potter? Totally analogous to those cute preteen relationships that happen in middle school, except it lasted a lot longer than those tend to. That and we're still friends now after all these years.
After that, a spate of RPS that I was only in for the porn. RPS is my fuckbuddy, yo.
More aimlessness. A hunger for something more. And then I discovered Phantom of the Opera and was immediately sucked in, so much so that it took me over half a year to figure out that it was a totally dysfunctional relationship. Like the girl you admire from afar, only to discover after you start going steady that she's ditzy, stalkerish, melodramatic, imposing, and Will Not Let You Go. Sorry to be so harsh, but you know, Phantom's a recent ex and there are still some feelings of bitterness there.
A bit of casual playing around with the Sisters of Mercy. Actually not so much playing around as drinking too much vodka, making out in the rain, and trading cynical snark about the state of the world. Yeah. There was definitely a spark of attraction there, but it fizzled out after a while. We're also still friends, in a bitter sort of way.
Went back to Star Wars because I needed someone to go to. Discovered too late that in the six years since I left him, he turned into an abusive lout who was really nothing like the old childhood sweetheart. Still stuck around because there were times when he was familiar anough to make me get all nostalgic, but then I backed away. And I discovered that only when I give him space and let him act like a buddy instead of a boyfriend does he turn into some semblance of his old self.
Had one more six-hundred page date with HP called Half-Blood Prince. Nope, it'll never be what it was, but we're definitely still friends. I still hang out on HPRealm, as opposed to avoiding PhantomFans.net like the plague.
And Les Misérables? <3. Totally in love. Don't know where this will take us, but at the moment I can't get enough. So ignore my fandom ravings as you would ignore a ditzy girl who keeps going on about how wonderful her new boyfriend is, even if I'm not entirely sure whether Les Mis is male or female. If zie's male, zie's definitely a bit of a dandy, that's for sure.
See? Quite a romantic history for a seventeen-year-old. And I totally swear that I do fall in love with fandoms instead of people. I can't recall ever having a crush on a person in my life, but it's kind of nice, because if you're infatuated with a book it's never unrequited. Well, maybe it is, but it's never spurned. A book, in fact, is like a thoroughly inebriated Enjolras: it'll let you molest it all you want, as long as you know it'll never love you back. (Except without the skeeviness. And also a book won't wake up in the morning hung over to all hell and start yelling at you for taking advantage of it.) It almost explains why I had a not-entirely-repressed interest in coffinsex and necro!Erik in general, back when I was in the Phantom fandom, doesn't it?
There's no pain and there's no pressure, no verbal humiliation, there's no fear, there's no shame, there's no pulse, so is it so strange?
Except ew, dead people. Give me fandom any day.
So yes. If I start randomly wibbling in an entry about the Bring Him Home instrumental where everyone's been killed ded, or mentioning that I realized Phil Quast had really pretty eyes about thirty seconds before he commits suicide? Don't mind me, just being a lovesick fool. (For the record, he does have pretty eyes. Go watch the TAC and see for yourself.)
FANDOMSEXUALS UNITE! BE OUT! BE PROUD!
...god, I'll probably disown this entry completely once the caffeine has worn off and I've got some sleep.
I have an announcement to make.
When I was thirteen, I realized that I didn't like boys that much, and having some passive appreciation for the female form, I assumed I was homosexual.
When I was fifteen, I realized that I was really bad at being a girl, and deriving no small amount of satisfaction from passing as male, I assumed I was transsexual.
These were both honest mistakes that have since been rectified, much to the confusion (and occasional amusion) of those around me. My gender identity is still having a grand old time of floundering around being indecisive and I've no clue whether it will ever settle down, but now, at seventeen, I have finally discovered my sexual orientation based on, not passive appreciation and process of elimination, but an actual history of crushes and love affairs that was always there. The only problem was that I never had the sense to look.
Despite what a certain girlfriend of a few years ago (who is not on my flist at the moment) might tell you, I am not asexual, although at the moment I can be perfectly indifferent to sex if I so choose. Nor am I homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, trisexual, transsexual, omnisexual, pansexual, or even snarksexual. What am I, then?
I, my friends, am fandomsexual.
That's right. I do not fall in love with people. But that giddy feeling of infatuation, the urge to chatter forever about my newest crush, the feeling that you know all your stalkee's faults through and through but couldn't love them any less for it? I get that for books. For movies. For bands. For musicals. It was always my impression that I'd never had any crushes as an adolescent, no love life, no feelings for the people I dated, but looking back on it in fandomsexual terms I've had a perfectly normal love life, all things considered. Serial fandom monogamy, almost, with the same feeling of loss and uselessness when I was between fandoms that dependent people get when they're between relationships.
Star Wars? Star Wars was my childhood sweetheart. Everybody say "awww" with me now.
Harry Potter? Totally analogous to those cute preteen relationships that happen in middle school, except it lasted a lot longer than those tend to. That and we're still friends now after all these years.
After that, a spate of RPS that I was only in for the porn. RPS is my fuckbuddy, yo.
More aimlessness. A hunger for something more. And then I discovered Phantom of the Opera and was immediately sucked in, so much so that it took me over half a year to figure out that it was a totally dysfunctional relationship. Like the girl you admire from afar, only to discover after you start going steady that she's ditzy, stalkerish, melodramatic, imposing, and Will Not Let You Go. Sorry to be so harsh, but you know, Phantom's a recent ex and there are still some feelings of bitterness there.
A bit of casual playing around with the Sisters of Mercy. Actually not so much playing around as drinking too much vodka, making out in the rain, and trading cynical snark about the state of the world. Yeah. There was definitely a spark of attraction there, but it fizzled out after a while. We're also still friends, in a bitter sort of way.
Went back to Star Wars because I needed someone to go to. Discovered too late that in the six years since I left him, he turned into an abusive lout who was really nothing like the old childhood sweetheart. Still stuck around because there were times when he was familiar anough to make me get all nostalgic, but then I backed away. And I discovered that only when I give him space and let him act like a buddy instead of a boyfriend does he turn into some semblance of his old self.
Had one more six-hundred page date with HP called Half-Blood Prince. Nope, it'll never be what it was, but we're definitely still friends. I still hang out on HPRealm, as opposed to avoiding PhantomFans.net like the plague.
And Les Misérables? <3. Totally in love. Don't know where this will take us, but at the moment I can't get enough. So ignore my fandom ravings as you would ignore a ditzy girl who keeps going on about how wonderful her new boyfriend is, even if I'm not entirely sure whether Les Mis is male or female. If zie's male, zie's definitely a bit of a dandy, that's for sure.
See? Quite a romantic history for a seventeen-year-old. And I totally swear that I do fall in love with fandoms instead of people. I can't recall ever having a crush on a person in my life, but it's kind of nice, because if you're infatuated with a book it's never unrequited. Well, maybe it is, but it's never spurned. A book, in fact, is like a thoroughly inebriated Enjolras: it'll let you molest it all you want, as long as you know it'll never love you back. (Except without the skeeviness. And also a book won't wake up in the morning hung over to all hell and start yelling at you for taking advantage of it.) It almost explains why I had a not-entirely-repressed interest in coffinsex and necro!Erik in general, back when I was in the Phantom fandom, doesn't it?
There's no pain and there's no pressure, no verbal humiliation, there's no fear, there's no shame, there's no pulse, so is it so strange?
Except ew, dead people. Give me fandom any day.
So yes. If I start randomly wibbling in an entry about the Bring Him Home instrumental where everyone's been killed ded, or mentioning that I realized Phil Quast had really pretty eyes about thirty seconds before he commits suicide? Don't mind me, just being a lovesick fool. (For the record, he does have pretty eyes. Go watch the TAC and see for yourself.)
FANDOMSEXUALS UNITE! BE OUT! BE PROUD!
...god, I'll probably disown this entry completely once the caffeine has worn off and I've got some sleep.