Ten Little Chances to be Free (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tenlittlebullets) wrote2004-08-19 04:34 pm
tenlittlebullets) wrote2004-08-19 04:34 pm
Let's play Mad Libs!
Hello! This is a public service announcement from the leader of (country) Although I got into power by rather fishy means, I can assure you that it was all perfectly constitutional, even if some of the things I've done in office haven't been. I think that (same country) is the greatest nation in the world and, as the only one worthy of superpower status, we should take it upon ourselves to control the rest of the world--and after all, we need (noun) as well. I am absolutely appalled by what was brought on this country by (noun) , and although only a few (adjective) (plural noun) were responsible for it, I believe that (ethnic/religious minority) are all at fault and that they should be locked up in (location) , or similar places in a country like (country) where they can safely be tortured out of the view of the public. Pay no attention to the curtailing of civil liberties; it's for your own protection from the filthy (same minority) .
(NOTE: if your answers were, respectively, Germany, Germany, lebensraum, the Treaty of Versailles, heavy-handed, world leaders, Jews, Dachau, Poland, Jews--you are a traitor to the American cause and the FBI will be visiting you shortly. The ONLY correct answers are America, America, oil, September 11th, crazy, extremists, Arabs/Muslims, Guantanamo Bay, Iraq, Arabs/Muslims.)
(NOTE: if your answers were, respectively, Germany, Germany, lebensraum, the Treaty of Versailles, heavy-handed, world leaders, Jews, Dachau, Poland, Jews--you are a traitor to the American cause and the FBI will be visiting you shortly. The ONLY correct answers are America, America, oil, September 11th, crazy, extremists, Arabs/Muslims, Guantanamo Bay, Iraq, Arabs/Muslims.)
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Despite the fact that I did a lot of complaining (this is going to be very hard to believe)... it truely was one of the best camp experiences of my life. I really had a great time with you and our whole 'group'.
Well... I know this is wrong, but you have to give me some credit for being able to admit to doing this, some of my complaining was just for attention. Your attention. And strangly, you were the last person to ask about my complaining which would make me complain even more.
I don't know about this, but you my have gotten the impression that I was going to break up with you or that I started hating you or something, but that's not true. You see, when there is a problem and I can't see a clear solution I try and get around the problem. And if you didn't notice at camp I tried to get around it in several different ways.
I guess the problem was we are so completely different that it is hard for us to meet each other's needs. Now, I am perfectly aware of the fact that the things I did didn't make anything better, but I was just being typical me. Trying to get around and/or forrget about our problems. I guess all we can do is hope that some day I will learn to get through things instead of around things. But I want you to know that there has been no point this summer where I have ever stopped loving you.
See you next summer?
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You did get my attention--negative attention. And when someone attracts negative attention, I try to be polite and non-hurtful and just keep my mouth shut about it, which might have been why I seemed to be ignoring you. I also try to get away from it out of basic instinct, which probably contributed as well. I know I was the last to notice and ask you about it, because I am a hopelessly clueless bastard, which I warned you about before. I guess I should have added 'aloof and introverted' as well, but that's not how I generally think of myself and not how I am when I'm not around people 24/7.
I also have a passionate hatred for the form of emotional blackmail that some of your complaints turned into, and a MAJOR problem with the whole boy/girl thing. The bottom line is, if you can't accept even the possibility that I could be transgendered, and if you'll start playing games and fucking around with my emotions just to get my attention... I don't think it'll work.
I tried, really I did. To be brutally honest I didn't really care about you that much at first, but I hoped it could work out and I made myself care, and for a while it was working--but then I started taking 'too much' time by myself and it turned into a huge, vicious circle, and I ended up feeling like I was giving and giving and giving without getting anything myself. I get the impression you were feeling the same way; guess we need completely different things. But my overall impression during the last week or two of camp was that if you do love me, you have a funny way of showing it.
I honestly don't understand the concept of constantly insulting and criticizing me so I'd get back together with you, and if I'd said half the things that sprang to my tongue when you did you'd probably hate me forever. On the few occasions where I responded in kind to the oh-so-lovely things you said to me, you seemed to get very upset. And that's one of the ways where I did feel like there was a double standard between us--that I put up with shit from you that you'd have crucified me for if I'd done it to you--and that there were lines crossed in several places). There are still a lot of things I'd like to say, but I won't because they're pointlessly spiteful and cruel and I have no desire to be either, and I don't want to be needlessly hurtful.
If I sound harsh, it's because I was trying to be nice about everything at camp and shoved it all down, and now it's all breaking loose. There were lots of things at camp I really enjoyed doing with you, but I feel like our relationship was one-sided at the best of times and completely counterproductive the rest.
I hate to leave this here for you to find when you come back from Zurich, but I had to say it and I hope you don't hate me too much for wanting to end this. You did your complaining to me at camp, and I did mine here; but my main reason is that for me, there was nothing there. I'm sorry, but I can't make myself love you, and it shows.
Hoping I haven't hurt too many feelings,
Erik
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I know I was a bitch you at camp and i understand complteley how fucked up it is, but because I still love you, just like you forced yourself to care about me I'm going to force myself to express love differently to whoever I may love over the next year. If I have accomplished what I think I need to accomplish over the next year will you get back with me next summer?
I'm not saying I am going to accomplish it, and I'll be perfectly honest with you, I don't think I will get much better by next summer. But I'm just saying this by some off chance that I do get better. If we do get back together next summer and you notice anything like this summer you can break up with me right away and I will understand completely and never bother you about it ever again.
I just don't want to keep hurting people. I really can't go on or get anywhere like this. So it would be great if you could help me help myself. I just do and say all the wrong things in a situation like this. And I think that it would be really thoughtful, daring maybe, but really incredbly generous if next year we see if I have improoved. I probably won't, as I said earlier. And I know it's stupid to ask the favor of consideration from somebody I've hurt, but keep in mind that I did not hurt you on purpose... it was on instinct. I would never hurt you on purpose.
Give me time to get things right. And who knows, by next summer I may not even feel the same way about you anyway and not want to get back together anyway. I don't know what will happen. You don't know what will happen. This all could take a very unpredictable direction. All I know is that I need to change. And I need to change because I do care.